To Serve Man (Video)
In you’re truly interested in “serving man” this Thanksgiving Meredith Woerner has a great post on io9.com all about that. Enjoy!
It’s hard to find fresh turkey during the zombie apocalypse. So why not spice things up by feasting on one of the most bountiful food sources on the planet? Here’s everything you need to know to serve man.
“Human Cuts” by Kirk Docker
Eating long pig is probably fairly green – just think how your carbon footprint would improve if you ate that dick in the Hummer. Everything you need to know is right here. We’ve got a how-to on butchering humans, with research help given to us by a chef who wishes to remain anonymous, plus recipes and a graph explaining how to “shell” humans for a yummy offal feast! Happy eating!
Important Tips For Carving A Human Carcass
Since we’re specifically dealing with carving in this section, we’re assuming that you’ve already acquired your human. Hopefully you kept them free of food for 48 hours before humanely slaughtering and bleeding them. We know that sometimes beggars can’t be choosers and that all circumstances are different (whether you’re stranded on a desert island or in the Andes with your teammates). But in an optimal situation, you’ve killed and bled your subject in a room that is temperature controlled and not above 40 degrees to prevent the meat from spoiling. Now you’re ready to go.
1) The most important tip for butchering a human is to have a very sharp knife, so you can accurately cut into the flesh. A dull knife will tear the skin resulting in sloppy cuts and a less than professional presentation (you’re a cannibal not an animal!). We recommend a cleaver (for cutting through the bones), a bone saw (if you can’t get a bone saw with out raising suspicion try a meat saw), and a slicing knife (we prefer a Japanese Yunagi so you can make one clean cut as opposed to sawing and ripping the flesh, but that’s just our preference).
2) Hair can be a problem. If the subject is very hairy, it’s easiest to just skin the subject, plus it’s also healthier! But if you’re set on keeping the skin (and the subject is particularly hairy) one could slow scald the body to remove the hair. This is a very difficult process and if done at too high of a temperature the entire thing will “set” the hair. We recommend checking out the resource room’s home slaughtering “scalding pit” should you chose to attempt this. It’s a long and arduous process but worth the investment if you think you’ll be doing this more than once.
3) Cut the body into “primals “starting with the arms. Using the cleaver, cut the arms off at the shoulder. Cleave the legs off at the hip or pelvis. Then remove the head at the base of the neck (you may need a bone saw). Save the neck and head for human stock (which is the basis for good human gravy).
4) Break down the arms and legs cutting them off at the elbows, knees, ankles and wrists. Be sure to save the hands and the feet as well. There are many options for serving the feet and hands. One can pickle them (soak them in an apple cider vinegar for a few hours). The feet and hands can also be used in the human stock.
5) Cut down the breast of the torso exposing the ribs (you might need a bone saw to crack open the ribs). Remove and save organs if you’re an adventurous gourmand who enjoys offal. What you have here are your traditional offal dishes: liver, kidneys and thymus. These can be prepared and served in the traditional fashion. Remove the organs before harvesting the ribs and the breast meat to prevent puncturing the organs.
6) Remove the breast meat that is on top of the ribs. Then cleaver the ribs at the sides.
7) Below the chest cavity is the abdominal muscles which are perfect for bacon.
8) Now you have everything quartered. You are ready to basically start portioning off the meat as you see fit. The calves are fantastic for braising. Leave the bone on for maximum flavor in the braise. The thighs are versatile and can be cooked in any manner, same goes for the rump. The arms can be cooked in the same manner, but the real meat is in the legs.
9) The breast meat is perfect for grilling, while we recommend smoking and barbecuing the ribs. A thoughtful touch for the expert chef would be to match the barbecuing style to the homeland of your meat.
10) Don’t forget your neck gravy, which would be great to serve on the side of all of these dishes. What you do with the head is your own business.
The Church of Euthanasia has provided a recipe for a delightful dipping sauce that deserves a look (reposted below). They also have a much more INSANELY detailed look at how to harvest a human, which we recommend reading for additional spice pairings.
Bob Arson’s White Devil Dinky-Dao Mothafucka Bobbacoo Sauce/Marinade/Baste/Dip/Bloody Leroy Mix
1 8 oz. can tomato sauce
1 6 oz. can tomato paste
1 cup black coffee
3/4 cup beer (Killian’s Red preferred)
3/4 cup fruit juice (citrus: orange/pineapple/mango type)
2 tblsp. whiskey
1 tblsp. lemon juice
1 tblsp. worcestershire sauce
1 tblsp. vinegar (red wine garlic preferred)
3 cloves garlic. minced
3 jalepeno peppers, minced
1/4 large onion, minced 1/8 red, 1/8 white preferred)
2 1/2 tsp. liquid smoke
2 tblsp. brown sugar
1 tblsp. molasses
1 1/2 tblsp. crushed red pepper
1 cube beef bouillon
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1 1/2 tsp ground black pepper
1 1/2 tsp. paprika
1 1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper
3 dashes basil
3 dashes oregano
3 dashes savory
ashes of one fine thin joint
How To Shell A Human
Chart by Daniel Spitzer
Send an email to Meredith, the author of this post, at firstname.lastname@example.org.